Twihard to Understand
by Mystic25
Summary: Sparkly Edward and Newly Sparkly Bella meet Damon and Stefan Salvatore. Twilight/VD Crossover. Parody of Twilight. If you are a diehard Twilight Fan, this isn't your fic.


"Twihard to Understand."

Mystic25

Summary: Sparkly Edward and Newly Sparkly Bella meet Damon and Stefan Salvatore. Twilight/VD Crossover. Parody of Twilight. If you are a diehard Twilight Fan, this isn't your fic.

Rating: T for violence and sexual references

Disclaimer: The "Vampire Diaries" show is a product of Julie Plec, I don't own any of them. "Twilight" Series are a product of Stephanie Meyer, I don't want any of them.

A/N: After reading many amazing Twilight/VD crossover parodies, I wanted a turn. I used to be so in love with "Twilight" but then…reality set in.

A/N #2: I went through all my old copies of "Twilight" through "Breaking Dawn" and used some of Meyer's own words in this. And I've come to this conclusion - she can't write.

Enjoy!

* * *

**xxxxXxxx**

"_This book by the way, has it all wrong."_

-Damon Salvatore on "Twilight"

"Vampire Diaries" Episode: "Family Ties"

**xxxxXxxx**

* * *

"The woods are lovely dark and deep," Edwards's voice rang like tinkling pandering music chimes over the forest cleaning.

Sitting on a mossy boulder, his bride of eternal damnation – no wait, _eternity - _ Bella sat with her hands folded up over her knees. Her eyes were closed as if in reverent prayer.

"Edward," she said his name long her exhalation like her yoga DVD instructor told her to do, or like when she and Edward had sex. Which was about every 10 seconds since he turned her. Because being a married vampire meant you had liberty to go from angst celibate single teenager to total slut angst married teenager.

"Edward," Bella said his name again, raising her hands in sitting mountain pose. She opened her eyes, which were the color of blood and pumpkin swirled together into a delicious confection which she called "It's Blood Pumpkin Juice Charlie Brown!" "That was amazing" said Bella in total awe. "-and" She broke off sounding annoyed and awkward like Edward _would_ be perfect at reading Robert Frost in the middle of Nowhere Woods Washington while they hunted a Stag for late night. _Ugh, so annoying!_

Edward smiled that smug-gentle-but-creepy-over domineering smile of his "Thank you my love. But I'm only amazing with my 'La Tua Cantate'"

Bella stood up, her pointy back molars bared. "Who is she?!" she hissed like a snake, or like a vampire.

Edward grabbed her bare shoulders. She was wearing the clothing that Alice thought would be the most beneficial for concealment in the woods – a fuscia taffeta and stretch satin evening gown with Swarovski crystal encrusted bodice.

"Bella-"

"Who is she Edward!" a shaft of sunlight caught her face, making her skin sparkle distractively.

Edward watched her like he had ADD.

"_Edward!"_ Bella growled, doing her impersonation of him whenever he talked to her.

"I'm talking about _you_ Bells," Edward said, and added a silent '_stupid'_ followed by a verbal one. He placated her with a smile and kissed her without her invitation, holding firm under her protests and "Edward stop!"'s until she relented and fell against him like one marble pillar kissing another marbled pillar.

Bella sighed in defeat against him. "Can we eat now? That deer's growing cold, and I'm ravenous!"

Edward pulled back and watched her eyes, once a soft earth brown, now a luminous copper, exactly like his. The total removal of her individuality touched him somewhere deep in his soullessness.

"You're not the only one," he said low and sexily.

Bella looked up –(higher up) into the warm smile on her 17-year-old husband's face. Her hands had already ripped open the cotton fabric of his haberdashery made white button down shirt before she realized that she was doing anything at all. Her breath came in pants.

Edward surprised her by holding up the only article of clothing that Alice had let Bella keep – her gray Haines Her Way all cotton bra.

Bella hadn't even felt him remove it. But she suspected her ramped up vampire lust had masked his delicate spider like touch on now her alabaster skin.

"Want to make another abomination?" Edward said lustfully through clenched teeth.

In answer, Bella touched his marble hard white chest, stroking it like that awkward moment she had stroked Michelangelo's David when the statue had toured Fork by way of Sicily last summer.

There was one major exception this time however. Back then she had been awkward and accident prone. Now she was paradisiacal, a perfect being no longer weak and pitifully human.

No sir, there was nothing awkward about this. Edward was no Michelangelo's David, he was better. A compendium of every homosexual and heterosexual ideology of a beautiful male melted into the perfect heterosexual man.

Bella threw Edward down onto the forest floor, no longer needing the protection of armored tanks to protect from her husband's sexuality. She straddled him like he was her Silver and she was some cowboy hero who's name she never bothered to remember.

Edward raised a hand to her hair, that sent silt and forest rot cascading off her long chocolate brown tresses.

"Edward," Bella said grinding herself into him, hearing him moan in a husbandly way.

"Mmm," he ground out "Consummation."

* * *

**xxxxXxxx**

"What?" Damon almost collided with his brother who had stopped suddenly in the middle of the forest.

"I hear something," Stefan said, his brows lowering in concentration.

"_What?"_ Damon said flippantly. He listened himself, but all he heard were the sounds of birds calling and alighting from tree branches to other trees. Then, a snap of a twig – a deer judging by the weight of the noise. "I don't hear anything outside of night time at Walt Disney World."

"Shh!" Stefan waved at his brother trying to get him to be quiet.

Damon rolled his eyes "Loose the brooding eyebrows Stefan. It's probably just your stag. Or as I like to call it: Vampire Coward Hunting 101'"

"You didn't have to come Damon," Stefan insists in a whisper. He moved his head over to the grouping of trees, and listened again for the elusive noise that Damon couldn't hear.

"You're the one who decided to take a hunting trip to someplace called: "Forks Washington" Brother. I wasn't about to let you wander off alone. Some Mountain Folk Locals might roast you with garlic and my amusement would be gone."

"So it had nothing to do with Elena thinking that it wasn't safe to come to this area alone because of that passage in her ancestor's journal?"

Damon blew him off "Elena spends too much time pretending that she knows what she's talking about outside of being 17-years-old Stefan. There's nothing concrete in the lore about some utensil town being dangerous."

"What about all the recent animal attacks?" Stefan countered. He bent down to inspect a tuft of buck fir caught in the branches of a berry bush.

"Outside of your delusional idiocy brother, most Vampires prefer people blood to Bambi Blood. Which is why I say we ditch the Davy Crockett bull and go back to town for dinner."

"There aren't enough people here to feed without attracting attention," Stefan said.

"There were where _I_ was looking," Damon returned.

"You were looking in a _mall_ Damon," Stefan said. "They were 17-year-old _kids_."

"Pot kettle brother," Damon said.

"You weren't trying to eat me though Damon," Stefan threw out. He the tuft of deer fur he had plucked.

Damon makes a face like he has eaten rancid milk. "Double entendre meanings are not allowed with us Stef,-"

A sound tears through the woods like a baying animal.

Stefan turns to Damon "You heard it that time right?"

Damon glared at him: "You're not funny." He listens to the noises again, an odd combination of curiosity and a sneer. "It sounds like two rhinoceros going at it."

"Rhinoceros aren't indigenous to Washington State," Stefan corrected.

"Stefan, _we're_ not indigenous to Washington State," Damon snapped back just as a noise reached them that sounds like something hitting a hollow log.

"Maybe it's Thumper," Damon suggested with his famous raised eyebrow look.

A noise that could only be described as a moan reaches them making them look to each other in simultaneous 'what the hell?" looks.

"Thumper sounds sexually frustrated," Stefan said.

"How do you even know what that sounds like?" Damon retorted.

Stefan's eyebrows go up once, his famous coy look that almost matched Damon's.

Damon gave Stefan an _ugh_ look then redirects his gaze to the gray, drizzly moss covered forest. He tilted his head to the sounds that have gotten louder and more _urgent_ and looked back to Stefan: "Courage to the sticking place Brother."

Stefan gave Damon a look, but walked off too all the noises.

After a moment, Damon followed.

* * *

**xxxxXxxx**

Bella lay against Edward's chiseled chest, stroking his five pack muscles.

Edward was reclining his head against a moss covered out cropping of rocks, panting hard, even though he didn't need breath, or oxygen. But, he chose to show signs of exertion in case a human strayed from one of their shooting parties and chanced upon their love making. Also, he knew that no human could be this still for this long (this long being five minutes) So he began to spasm each of his limbs in turn to appear normal.

His high caliber of skills made him smile. He dutifully kissed his wife on the top of the head to congratulate her on her successful copulation with him. "You were amazing."

" I know," Bella said "I could never fully appreciate you properly before I became a Vampire. I was always too busy being delicate and falling down and being hit by cars to focus on anything else."

Edward laughed a laugh that sounded like tinkling wind chimes.

Bella joined in, her laughter almost haughty, but beautiful. Beautiful haughty wind chimes.

A mote of dust danced in front of her in the gray drizzle. She watched it, totally fascinated by the way it refracted the light the 1/810th of a second it passed by her sight. "Nessie would live it out here," she sighed. "While you sexed me up, she could hide in that group of trees-"

"Copse," Edward corrected, gently with undertones of bossiness. "Copse of trees. Speak like the affluent vampire that you are Bella."

"Affluent," Bella repeated. "You got it," she giggled. "This is so cool! – I mean, this suits me well my love." She raised an eyebrow up at him in a classic expectant arc.

He smiled, dazzling, with pristine teeth in the front and deadly teeth hidden in the back "Perfect."

She climbed up off the ground. Her dress had been ripped to shreds by his nimble fingers and pieces of it hung off her studded bodice like the tattered wings of a jewel encrusted moth.

Bella had no use for breath, but she liked to breathe anyway, to appear normal to the woodland creatures before she partook of their warm full bodied blood.

She breathed in as deeply as would befit a regular human woman – and started. That smell –

She knew her own scent: lilac and grapefruit, and Edward's: semen. But, this was something else.

"That smell-" she paused in her awkward way again. "It's-" her brows knit together like quizzical mating caterpillars "It smells like leather, and -" she sniffed again, the quizzical caterpillar brows got eaten by alarmed eyebrows: "_other_ Vampire!"

Edward flew to his feet and was by her side instantly when he heard her 'warning hiss.'

* * *

**xxxxXxxxx**

"Who are you?"

The half naked girl in front of Damon spat like a angry cat.

Damon didn't mind the half naked part, she wasn't bad looking. Even though it looked like she fell into a vat of flour.

"I could ask you the same thing," Stefan said, taking in the sight of the girl with weird copper eyes like the boatman had shoved them into her sockets instead of taking them as fare.

The guy next to her growled, placing a hand on her bare shoulder. "She asked you a question."

Damon recoiled at the sight of the guy's torn unbuttoned shirt which exposed a white strip white chest. "Dude, button up this isn't HBO." Damon's eyebrows knit down in confusion when he saw the weird way the guy's skin reacted to light. "What's up with all the shining Glitterbell?"

The girl lunged and hissed at him.

Damon held up his hands. "Whoa, easy there princess, don't waste your key moves."

Stefan watched as the girl whipped her head back and forth, back and forth in blurring motions. "Uh, what are you doing?"

"You're vampires!" she shouted.

"Give the girl a fabulous new car," Damon dead panned.

"But you're – I mean, you're not sparkling!" the girl sounded like someone had run over- or eaten if it had been Stefan – her puppy.

Damon gave her a baffled look. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Why would we need to?" Stefan said right after Damon "Are you guys on drugs or something?"

"No!" the girl shouted. Apparently she didn't have an inside voice. "I mean, it's just what happens – Vampires _sparkle_ in the sunlight!" she said this like carved in stone fact. "Look!" she turned to her friend and ripped the left over pieces of shirt off of him.

Stefan and Damon shared 'what the fuck?' looks as the guy stepped out into the sun that had reached its noon light.

The guy tipped his head back and spread his arms out like some weird flightless bird and his entire body glistened like he had fallen into a hole of glass shards.

His girl watched him almost in ecstasy and wrapped his arms around her waist and posed in front of him like a model, lips parted. "You understand now , how the sunlight affects us," her voice had the bizarre cadence of out of tune wind chimes.

"Ah-" Stefan bit his lip so hard that his fangs retracted and tore through the back of his tongue. "What is it exactly that we're understanding?"

"How dangerous we are," she said in her ridiculous sounding voice of hers.

Stefan raised an eyebrow and Damon snorted.

"No you're not," Damon said, watching the girl break from her 'strike a pose' pose and skulk over to him. At least it looked like she was trying to skulk, in reality it looked more like cantering. "You both look like you ate Christmas lights –ooh-" he mocked fake claws. "scary."

The guy came right up to Damon in a blur, his copper eyes glaring at him. "My wife is right," he 'sniffed' Damon, it was weireding Damon out. " I don't understand this-"

"Wouldn't have pegged him for the marrying type." Damon side bared to Stefan behind his hand "At least not with a women."

"Why is it that you are not sparkling?" the guy finished in a voice that sounded like he was trying to drink nails through a straw. "What kind of vampires are you?"

"The real kind that burn in the sun Fabio," Damon threw back.

"His name is Edward," his girl corrected. "Edward Cullen, and he's the richest Vampire in the Seattle Metro area."

"Bella, don't be boastful," 'Edward' said in a male version of Bella's weirdo wind chime voice.

"Yes let's not be boastful," Damon throws back "So it's Bella huh? " he wags his eyebrows at her "Ciao Bella."

Bella gives him a look like she would eat his face off if she knew how to do that correctly. "Are you making _fun_ of me?"

"There's just so much material sweetheart, I wouldn't know where to begin," Damon replied.

She hissed as menacingly as she could at him, which sounded like she had eaten a bagful of snakes.

Edward held her by the shoulders. "No Bella, let it go-"

"Oh relax Eddie," Damon throws back coolly. "We're just passing through. You're the one who decided to go all super freaky in our path."

"What do you mean you burn in the sun?" Edward said. He was still holding Bella back even though she wasn't doing anything but rolling her eyes back and forth trying to appear to be bad ass.

"We're Vampires, that's kind of how it works." Stefan said. He was regretting coming to Washington at all. He would rather face Klaus riding on Mason Lockwood then listen to another minute of this dooshy walking hair gel add and his disjointed girlfriend.

"That's just a legend!" Bella shouts. "If we went out into the sun, people – they would see us sparkling and they would know what we are!"

Damon watched her like 'oh-kay' He blurred by them to come behind Stefan and had his brother's daylight ring before Stefan could react.

"Damon what are you doing?" Stefan tried to make a grab for his ring but Damon kept it out of his reach.

"No sweetie," Damon said to Bella like she was a child, a weird over angst child who needed a good haircut and contact lenses. "If Vampires went out in the sun people would know who they are – like this-"

Damon grabs Stefan's arm and shoved him into a stream of sunlight that came through the trees.

Stefan screamed as the light scorched his skin.

Damon only let this go on for about three seconds before shoving Stefan's ring back on his finger.

* * *

**xxxXxx**

Bella's eyes widened she watched the guy grunt and bend over in obvious agony.

"See?" the other vampire said in a voice so regular and human sounding it was freaking her out.

"What the hell was that for?" the vampire on his vampire knees wailed out. He rose up, predator fast and glared with evil hateful, hate filled eyes at the other vampire.

"Practical demonstration brother," the Other Vampire said.

A revelation hit her at the same time it did Edward.

"You're brothers!" Edward revealed their revelation. His eyes widened in shock.

"And you're the dooshiest Vampire I've ever seen," the older Vampire said. Edward knew he was older, he could tell by reading his mind – was saying all sorts of 'older brother things' silently, and by his smell, and combination of mint, and other people's blood.

"No he's not!" Bella growled, her molars fixe for battle. "He's terrible and glorious!"She felt her hands move out into a Tai Chi pose of protection before she realized it. Her body did a lot of things without her knowing about it first. But this was for prorection. Protection for her 17-year-old monogamist husband, the father of her twice named child.

"You're serious?" the other Vampire (Bella was going to call him Vamp #2) asked.

"As a heart attack – If I could still have those, which I can't!" Bella started making _waah_ noises to further scare her adversaries. (12 point scrabble word)

"I'm sorry," Vamp #2 ducked his head down in what Bella could only presume was a deep seeded shame for everything he had done wrong since they crossed paths. "I haven't eaten in 48 hours and all your spastic jerking and attempted puns are giving me a headache. So if you don't mind-" Vamp #2 pushed past her and Edward and knelt down next to the 20 point buck that she had taken down with one felled swoop of her Vampireness.

Vamp #2 crouched down by the neck and bit into it, then came a large amount of sucking sounds.

"You'll have to forgive my little brother," the Older vampire apologized. "He gets a little testy when he's trying out a new locale for dinner."

_Gah_. Thought Edward _why does his voice sound like, like PEOPLE?_

Vamp #2 gave the other vampire a look Bella guessed was annoyance. She had no siblings, the closest she came to sibling irritation was that time Emmett had punched her in the face when he wanted her to shut up during a UF game.

Vamp #2 pulled back from the furry carcass of the Stag and made a bit of a gasping noise, before standing back up. There was blood all down the front of his mouth, which he wiped off on the sleeve of his leather jacket.

_Obviously a Newborn,_ Bella noted in aristocratic disgust. Veteran Vampires had much more class than that. Edward had a silk napkin monogrammed with '_E.C.B' (Edward Cullen Bizatches)_ he kept in his sleeve to wipe his mouth after he fed. He was such a gentleman.

Vamp #2 looked up expectantly to the Other Vampire: "Damon?"

"Forget it Stefan, I'm not eating your Vegan leftovers," Older Vampire said.

Bella's eyes widened to Vamp #2: "You're name is Stefan? I-," she looked confused, then perplexed, then mystified, then befuddled. "I think- I fought you, _we_ fought you," she shared a sidelong glance to Edward.

Stefan gave her a weird look: "Come again?"

"Don't interrupt her!" Edward hissed. "She's female, thinking is third nature to her."

"On a field," Bella seemed to be channeling Alice's gift of prophecy. She hoped she looked really cool, _beautiful_ and cool "with pageantry with a kind of beauty moving together, but it was not a  
march; You flowed in perfect synchronicity from the trees-"

"Perfect synchronicity?" Stefan repeated. "By myself?" And why are you talking like that?"

"_Shhh!"_ Bella waved furiously at him, closing her eyes to keep her thoughts together before they escaped, trying to wrap her weird 'skin power' around them. "You wanted to kill our daughter."

"_Daughter?"_ Damon (or Other Vampire) said in that freaky regular sounding voice of his. "You're Vampires, how the hell?-"

"It was before he turned me!" Bella snapped in her worst 'threatening vampire voice'. "Holy crow!"

"Did you just say ' holy crow?' Stefan said, looking at her with eyes a lot less cooler than Edward, they were a _regular_ human brown, not coppery.

"I'm sorry," she injected some extra windchimey-ness' into her voice to soothe the Foreigner (She could tell by the dark eyes and tanned skin.) "I didn't mean to upset you. When I get all riled up, I swear a lot."

"It's," Stefan seemed at a total loss for words, probably because of her beautiful, magnanimous voice. "It's fine, its just-"

"How the hell can you get her pregnant?" Damon cut Stefan off when he yelled at Edward. "You're _dead_ and have no fluids!"

* * *

**xxxXxxx**

"We're married," Edward informed him like that explained it. "I made sure of it before I popped her cherry. I'm not about to father a race of bastard vampires."

Bella looked on adoringly at him.

"That doesn't explain anything!" Damon roared. What the fuck kind of Twilight world did he and Stefan run into? He punched a crater into a nearby tree. "I need a drink."

A man emerged in a clunky down vest and loud plaid shirt with acid washed mom jeans emerged from behind a huge Sequoia tree. "Bella, Edward! There you are! You said you were only going to be an hour, that was two days ago!" he was leading what looked like a miniature 20-year-old by the hand in a starched crinoline dress. "I can't keep watching Renesmee every time you two want to ditch parental responsibilities for sex! I –_ahhh-AHH!"_

The man broke off in a scream as Damon lunged at him and sank his fangs into his neck.

"Edward, what's happening!" Bella screamed.

"They drink human blood, they drink human blood!" Edward shouted. He growled and ran at Damon, but Stefan had already pulled his brother off the man.

"Damon, that's enough!" Stefan yanked Damon off the man, who wilted to the ground like a dead flower.

Damon glared at him, wiping away the remnants of the man's blood off his face on his sleeve. "Relax Stef, he doesn't taste that great anyway."

A gleaming white hand grabbed him by the jacket collar and slammed him as hard as he could into a tree, after knocking him into a few boulders along the way.

Bella glared at him "You ate my dad!" She hissed at him, and hissed at him again, but didn't do anything else.

Damon grabbed her arm and threw her against a tree, she hit it with the odd resonance of marble hitting wood. "You follow no semblance of Vampire mythology, I get to eat your dad!"

Edward tried to grab Damon's shoulders, but Stefan blurred by him and pinned him to the forest floor. His fangs lowered and the veins of his eyes spider webbed with blood.

* * *

**xxxxXxxx**

"Stay back!" Edward tried to wriggle out from under Stefan, but all he managed to do was flop around like a landed fish. "I can read minds! So help me I'll read the both of yours if you don't release us!"

"He'll do it!" Bella shouted dutifully. "He's crazy!"

Damon didn't seem threatened by this at all, neither did Stefan. In fact they looked amused.

"Read my mind right now." Damon threw out over his shoulder, while still pinning Bella back who was trying to get a good solid nail swipe in to his eyes.

Edward closed his eyes, and concentrated like Esme had taught him when she braided his hair after his last Sunday's bath. He concentrated on Damon's thoughts, and his eyes flew open in abject horror.

"You want me to pound it _where?-AHH!"_ he began kicking and flailing like an over turned bug.

"Edward!" Bella shouted, struggling beautifully against Damon.

The thought of another man touching his beloved wife, made Edward want to punish her for falling into such a trap.

"Edward!" Bella shouted again "Read my mind!"

Edward tried, he almost shit he tried so hard. "You're blocking me out with your shield, turn it off!"

"I can't!" Bella sounded oddly panicked "I only know how to thin it out so that it covers all the members of the winning side of a horde of Good Vampires!"

"Give them money!" Edward shouted "Throw them one of your million dollar bills!"

"I left my money clip in my other shredded dress!" Bella screamed, helpless as a frog pinned under a lillypad.

Jacob suddenly emerged from the woods yawning. He was stark naked, carrying his jean shorts in a belt looped around his waist. "Sorry I was flexing my abs, then I fell asleep. What'd I miss?"

"_Jake!"_ Bella screamed like she cared for him outside of their being 'just friends' and the already predestined husband of her child.

Jacob's eyes widened at the sight of Bella and Edward being pinned down by two anonymous strangers, then at Charlie unconscious on the ground with Nessie sitting by his head while she talked to him with her hand about her dissertation of Faust.

"Bella, what's going on?" Jacob said in alarm at some guy pinning her against a tree who _wasn't_ Edward.

"_Run Jake!"_ Bella screamed as loud as her Vampire lungs-that-didn't-need-to-inflate-but-did-for-screaming could. It sounded pretty damn loud.

"I won't leave you Bella!" Jacob shouted back, getting down on all fours and placing Renesmee on his back. He started slowly crawling towards Bella on his hands and knees, then broke into a quick trot, followed by a full run, his bare hindquarters powerful in the sunlight.

Damon made a face at him "What the hell are you doing?"

Jacob transformed halfway through his quicker gallop, his grotesquely large timber wolf form powerful and dangerous, and moving right towards Bella's rescue.

He lunged at Damon with paws as big as serving platters, Renesmee on his back shaking her fist mightily at Damon.

Edward felt Stefan's weight move off him, and heard a piercing cry of: "No!" tear from his mouth. Then he moved like some inhuman predator grabbing Jacob and throwing him off of Damon.

Bella did her part, and fell into the ground in a tumble turned somersault and came up in _full_ Warrior 2 pose.

Jacob snapped his timber wolf jaws and ran at Stefan smashing his serving plate paws on his neck.

Bella jumped when she heard something she hadn't before. It wasn't the hissing growl of Edward in his maddening rage. She had checked; he was still in full 'flail bug mode' on the ground.

This was something different, An inhuman ethereal noise unlike any other. The words: "Stop!" She hadn't heard it before, and certainly _never_ from Edward in her marriage.

The noise was coming from Damon, but she was thinking so fast, so _Vampire_ fast that she completely missed the simple reasoning behind it.

Was it Jake's paws, crushing Vamp #2, no wait –_Stefan's_ windpipe with his huge dinner plate paws? Or were they serving platter sized? She would have to get Edward to stop flailing and read Jacob's mind and tell her.

But Jake seemed a little preoccupied at the moment, so she looked to Edward."Edward, what's Jake-"

"Bella!" Edward shouted, finally clawing his way to his feet like an arthritic old man vampire. "Fall down! Fall down! Protection mode! You don't know how to fight! You only know how to stand there and look statuesque !" Nessie was nodding her head in the affirmative to Edwards words.

Bella heard these words _seconds_ before a blur she was guessing was Damon blurred by her. "Don't touch my husband! Don't touch my baby!" she ran to Edward and whipped the air where she guessed the Damon's blur would go, next to her alabaster beloved and his perfect god like child with the pretty ringlets she styled. "He's mine! She is too!"

There was a wolf like whimper coming from Jacob's direction, maybe his? She'd have to ask Edward. But first, she whipped her head back to Jacob in time to see his wolf like body fall down on the sharp exposed roots of a 100 year old Sequoia tree.

When Jacob hit the roots he suddenly turned back into the naked guy he was before with his circular tattoo and his shorts in his belt.

"Did I say you could eat my brother?" Damon seemed to taunt Jake, looming over him like some thug criminal, hand at Jake's throat.

"Edward?" Bella whispered.

"I think he's taunting Jake," Edward whispered back, munching on popcorn. He held it out to her. "You want some?"

"The kernels stick in my fangs." She whispered back. "Give some to Nessie."

"It's not good for her it stunts her growth. That's how come Alice is so stunted."

* * *

**xxxxXxxx**

Stefan gawked at what he heard Bella and Edward whispering about. "Seriously, are you guys high?" He jumped to his feet and yanked Damon off of the weirdo naked man's equally weirdo werewolf form. "Damon, stop! You might get freak rabies!" He turned Damon's arms over looking for any bite marks, but all he saw was a lot of spit.

"Let's just go Damon," Stefan insisted, gripping his brother about the shoulders who was trying to tear Jake's heart out from his chest. "This has been like one weird acid trip."

Damon gave him an annoyed look. "Fine," he wiped Jacob's blood off on his chest. "Not worth ripping the heart out of his chest anyway."

"You were going to rip Jake's heart out of his chest _and_ you do acid?" Bella shrieked, dashing towards that short young adult in super slow motion so her leap was like a steady glide. Her pieces of skirt flapped around like flags on her descent."Stay away from my baby!"

"No one wants your baby!" Stefan snarled.

"I do!" Jake said wagging his eyes at Renesmee who giggled.

Stefan flashed his hand down to the wolf boy in disgust. "Elena was right," he said to Damon "There is _nothing_ in the lore about this."

"Elena?" Bella said in that tinkling awkward way of hers. "Is she one of the Volturi?"

Damon asked making a face at the name. "Is that your stage name?"

"The Ruling Coven of Vampires," Edward responded like _Damon_ the stupid one. "They enforce the laws of our Vampire World." His skin looked like it was made of real marble because he was trying to crinkle it in some sort of half frown angry face, and marble isn't pliable like that,so it made him look like he was making stupid faces.

"This is like one long strange RPG," Damon eyed Edward with a smirk like he was a very amusing idiot that had loped in his presence. "I'll show you my Vampire World if you show me yours." he winked at Edward.

"There is no ruling Coven of Vampires-" Stefan said to the pair of sheet white friends.

"Witches have Covens morons," Damon cut in rolling his eyes at Bella and Edward "Seriously who taught you two how to be Vampires?-And why are you allglowing and _white_? It's a bit judgey if you ask me."

"It's _wonderful!"_ Bella insisted, stamping her foot. "Before Edward couldn't even _touch_ me because I was so fragile, he only could break into my room and night and watch me sleep adoringly for two months!"

"He _watched _ you sleep for two months?" Damon said and looked at Edward in disgust. "Pedophile much Casper?" Sure Damon had watched Elena sleep, but that was like for 10 seconds, not _all_ night. What the hell was wrong with these two?

"Being a Vampire is a curse," Stefan cut back in on his own remark.

"No it isn't!" Bella shouted back, her breathing becoming hard and discordant because apparently she couldn't get it to synch right. "I was just some boring human girl who didn't have fangs and wasn't a Vampire! Now I'm flawless and timeless!"

"And _stupid_" Damon said leaning over to Stefan.

Stefan turned to Bella. "You _actually_ wanted to turn Vanilla so you could spend an eternity with this loser? Some 100-year-old Vampire who broke into your room to watch you sleep every night? Which by the way isn't wonderful, it's_ creepy_."

"Shut up!" Bella shouted clutching at her head."Shut up!"

"How can you say that Vampires are cursed?" Edward said clutching a hand to his chest and gasping. He then lumbered to Damon like a walking tree. "I was nothing before I became like this," He stroked his chest and Bella was licking her lips behind him. "I was dying of Spanish Influenza until my father found and turned me into a Vampire."

"My brother over here killed our father and turned me into a Vampire with one of our maids because he had a posthumous fear of not being alone." Damon threw back. "Your go."

* * *

**xxxxXxxxx**

"Okay, we'll go," Edward recognized the release of their fierce standoff between these strange, strange Vampires. "Come on Bella." He took her hand, but Jacob's voice stopped him.

"No Edward, dude-" Jake said with Nessie on his back flicking the reigns in her hand to get him to move into a gallop. "I think he was being sarcastic-"

"Shut up Jake!" Bella and Edward chanted, perfectly complimenting each other, sounding like one high pitched discordant wind chime, and one low pitched discordant wind chime making one beautiful discordant song.

"Just watch the baby!" Bella ordered Jacob. "I can't be bothered with her!"

"Hey you got it Bells," Jake said good naturedly. "Now that I imprinted on Nessie, your haughty bitchiness only affects me _slightly."_ He smiled up at his future wife. "Come on Ness, let's go run!"

Renesmee jumped of his back, her feet making dents into the ground. She took off at full speed and Jacob followed, dragging Charlie's unconsciousness body behind him like a sled.

Bella watched them with excitable, happy amusement. She had completely forgotten about Stefan and Damon because she was very self absorbed. But when she remembered and turned back around to give them a piece of her mind -_Vanilla indeed!_ -they were gone.

She spun around and around in circles until she threw up. "Where'd they go?" she asked wiping vomit off Edward's naked alabaster marbled chest.

"I don't know Bella," Edward said pulling her close, until they embraced like they were on a movie poster ad "Don't think about it – they didn't sparkle. They didn't sparkle _once_."

Bella shuddered, or pretended to shudder waving her body back and for rhythmically like a snake.

* * *

**xxxxXxxx**

"Okay what the hell was that?" Stefan asked.

They had taken Damon's huge black SUV to Seattle and they were driving back on the 1-90. Trees blurred by the windows at 80 miles an hour.

Stefan had called Elena an hour ago and had told her what had happened. She had told him that it almost sounded like someone who couldn't write a Vampire story had written a Vampire story, and that she was glad he and Damon had left already.

Damon was sipping on a blood bag of O negative with a straw speared into it to supplement until he could eat fresh people. He glanced over at Stefan. "Don't worry about it Stef, they weren't real Vampires anyway."

**xxxxXxxx**

* * *

**End**

R/R Please.

Mystic


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